choosing to support others, not hate
Here's why we should do this: We become a lot happier and can focus our energy on other more productive things.
Ever known a girl who seems to bathe in drama - often at the expense of other girls? While there may be other pretexts causing this behaviour, this is a classic example of someone who focuses their energy in a negative, nonproductive way.
It’s not entirely our fault. We’ve been taught this from a very young age. Hell, everyone has learned this: the idea of competition. It exists everywhere in the animal kingdom, thus making it somewhat unavoidable. When we compete with each other, we compare each other. Girls in particular zero in on appearance and social status (again, this has been taught to us in magazines, television shows, movies, etc.). We are constantly competing on silly things like who has the flattest stomach, the thinnest thighs, the biggest bum, the nicest hair. And if another girl seemingly has these things, the natural reaction is to compare your body to hers, then, feeling a pang of jealousy, hate her for it.
Sure, it’s great to have personal body goals and to work towards them. But is it really that important that you need to tear other girls down to make yourself feel better? Are body goals really the only goals you want to set?
What about setting valuable objectives like learning a new skill? Some of mine this year are to learn how to play a new musical instrument, how to handle a professional camera, how to maintain a blog. These are constructive skills that will enhance my happiness and open up opportunities for me, both personally and professionally.
How you set your goals comes down to a matter of self-esteem. Why waste energy on comparing your body to other bodies when all it’s going to cause you is unhappiness? Set goals that empower you without the need to compare yourself to anyone else. The moment we stop comparing ourselves, any societal pressure becomes null. It seems necessary to unlearn what we have been taught about each other, and instead concentrate on supporting and celebrating each others’ accomplishments. Easier said than done.
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Here’s my personal anecdote of a group of girls who embody the meaning of support. Throughout my university career, I joined a competitive dance team. Yes, competitive. We did everything but compete with one another. The team was made up of girls from different parts of the country with different backgrounds and beliefs. We came together twice a week and worked towards a common goal. What was fascinating about this group was the fact that there was no drama. Seriously, thirteen girls hanging out together in a room and no drama? Does that even exist?
Well, it does. We never talked about weight, never called other women sluts, never called other women ugly. Instead we focused on interesting topics like music, places to travel, academic endeavours, mental health, and politics. This is important. You are the average of the people you spend the your time with.
A dance team with no beef whatsoever is especially interesting. For those of you who don’t know, the dance world is meticulously competitive. Every dancer strives for perfection every day. We want to have painstakingly flawless technique, flexibility, strength, stamina, and grace. We take to the stage to be judged, to be ranked among our peers.
But on our university team, it was as if these pressures didn’t exist. So what, one girl can do 30 turns? Bravo! Another girl can touch her leg past her head when she kicks? Wow, you’re so flexible! Another girl can do an aerial? You go girl. We spent our time filling each others' ears with genuine compliments rather than backstabbing criticisms. There wasn't one rehearsal that went by without someone making a flattering remark about someone else on the team. Girl crushes all around. From my experience, this is essentially unheard of in the "girl world".
Really, it’s just making a conscious effort to support each other, to lift each other up. We didn’t harp on comparison or jealousy. We were happy and productive. This is how I imagine everyone ought to be, in my idealist world. Every day I struggle like everyone else with the tendency to compare. But every day I also make the choice to support other girls, instead of hate other girls. That's all it takes - a choice.
— K. JO